I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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