I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
