Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
