I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
