I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
