So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
why do cheetos always look like penises
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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