Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
