How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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