people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
