My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
