peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize