can we get nightvision for the apartment?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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