two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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