hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
