im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
