I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
