I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
