you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
