You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize