one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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