I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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