At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
