I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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