i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
