get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
