There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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