that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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