The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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