Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
