You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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