there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
