Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
