Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
