I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
