He uses pillows to masturbate.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
