I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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