My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
