There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
