I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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