I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
