I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
