Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
