Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize