Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
