I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
