I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
