Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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