my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
