I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
