I heard we made out
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
