I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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