Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
