When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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