The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
