Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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